At 10 weeks, we had an ultrasound, but there was no heartbeat and the baby only measured 6 weeks. We had a few HCG tests to verify that levels were going down, so we knew the baby wasn’t alive.
It is very sad, but I’m glad it happened early, as it would have been more devastating if the baby grew much bigger and then passed away. Any type of loss is hard. I’ve spoken with several friends who have also lost a baby, so it is sad how common it is, but God is in control.
I am okay about it and I’m taking it as an opportunity to focus on healing, recovery, and improving my health and looking for God’s direction in my life. I started the Whole30 nutritional program and am on day 5 today. I’ve always loved food, cooking, and health. I have followed a similar diet in the past that eliminated dairy and grains, and I did it for about a year and felt great, but I fell into bad habits again.
If anyone is reading this and is interested in doing the Whole30 program with a group of about 18 other women, I created a FB group where we are supporting each other while going through the program. We are sharing our progress, recipes and tips as we go along. You can join here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/990424614371281/
Another area in my life that I am unsettled about is whether I should continue being a stay at home mom or go back to work. I do still have our internet business and it is doing okay, but it’s been stalled and I’m running out of interest in it. I have a very busy mind and it is hard for me to just be at home all the time and not be creating something or working on some project. I had an interview and was even offered one position, but it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, so I declined and haven’t done anything further with looking. I also am not settled about my youngest attending child care every day. My oldest loves school and I’m sure she’d do fine, but my 20 month old is still my baby and needs to be with me.
Right in the middle of considering going back to work and finding out details and having an interview and considering one option, I found out I was pregnant and then miscarried, so it really put all of that on hold and my mind is not even close to being back there to consider it again.
When I think about options in my life, there are always 2 ways to look at things. Am I looking at this option from my position on earth, wanting earthly things, more money, or am I looking at this from a view of eternity? As a Christian, this is not our home. We will live on this earth for a temporary time, and then we’ll be in heaven for eternity where the amount of money or gain on earth will not matter. It is so trivial. Of course, let’s be wise with our money and do our best with our time here, but let’s also be content with what we have and not always looking for more on earth. I will be honest, my reason for going back to work would be to make more money, so we could buy a bigger house, so I could pay for more activities for my kids, but also for personal recognition. I might be smart and gifted, but no one will know unless I get a real “job” and can show others my skills. All of that is okay, but I don’t need to do that and it can become self-centered, always looking at myself. My husband makes a good income and I am blessed to not have to work outside the home. I am blessed to be able to have started a business at home, since all businesses require some starting capital.
Some things in life require a trigger, some kind of deep hurt or pain to propel you toward something better. I want to use this pain for good. I’m praying for wisdom and practicing focusing my mind on heavenly things, so I can make these earthly decisions in light of where I am going, not just where I am now.